Monday, March 5, 2012

But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't you...

In the Dear John letter Mister sent me just a few weeks ago he wrote:
"I know I have myself to blame for this, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't your fault."

I've thought about this statement over and over and over again.
I already have admitted that I had a story book romance. Everything has been wonderful. My husband and I have had a great life. We went on the most wonderous honeymoon, we had a beautiful anniversary trip into the mountains, and when he came back from his deployment we had a romantic weekend at a B&B where we toured winery after winery, sipping away and enjoying.

I know what you are thinking... every marriage has good moments, high-lights. But no, we have had 1000s of great times in the past few years. We have been known on more than one occassion to hold hands and skip when we walk, we will turn on Singstar on the Xbox and karaoke late into the night with just each other, we will walk aimlessly through the mall together holding hands and shopping, we truly have enjoyed being with each other.



So, that statement above is Haunting me. I have turned inward and tried to find my flaws and where everything has gone so wrong. What was the defining fork in the road? I don't know yet, the defining moment... I know that there were moments when I didn't speak right, my words did not come out the way they were intended, I know that there were moments when I could have been gentler, more sensitive, I could have looked more sexy, I could have done more, I should have done More.

He took the blame for wanting to leave me, but made sure to let me know that it's my fault.
I have loved my husband to the utmost, I still love him, even though he says he doesn't love me, I would do anything for him... I wish he would see that, I wish he would remember all the good memories that come so easily to my mind, but not to his right now.
I am praying for him to remember these wonderful memories that I cherish so much.
So if you are reading this, please send up a prayer for me and Mister tonight.

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2 comments:

  1. SueMarch 5, 2012 at 7:14 PM

    This post just breaks my heart. It brings back all the feelings I had when my ex-husband walked out on me. I thought everything was fine. We were happy (I thought) and then one day he just left. It took me a long time to get past it and let go of the feelings of should have/could have/would have and move on my with life. I hope with all my heart that you can find the answers for you as a couple, no matter what that may be. I know this sounds kind of weird but if you need a complete stranger to talk to you can email me. Sometimes strangers are a lot easier to talk to than friends.

    helloalsoiloveyou{at}gmail{dot}com

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    1. A Sailor's AnchorMarch 6, 2012 at 7:51 AM

      Thank you, Sue! It's nice to know that I am not alone.
      And, I may very well take you up on the offer to email you.

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