Wow! I am getting really fancy all of a sudden and syncing my phone to blogger. I realized that so much has been happening, but I don't take the time to sit down and write it. Maybe now I will keep up with everything.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I'm getting fancy!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I'll go down with this ship.
This song has played a reoccuring role in my life for about 8 years now. I am a lover not a fighter. I am a die hard. I don't give up on the people I love and care about. I always go down with the ship when it comes to all the relationships in my life whether it be friends or lovers.
I fiercely BELIEVE in the relationships I have made in my life...
my marriage is no different.
I believe in forgiveness. I believe it's never too late to go back. (The only part of the song I don't fully believe in is verse 2... I feel some people do believe you can't go back again, but my forgiving nature says you can, and if you can't salvage the relationship, it's never too late for the truth and the apologies to come out).
I don't want to return to where I was in my life with my husband, I want to move past it and make our lives better. I want the upward spiral that I know we were finally reaching to come. I want us to find a way to work through everything and find happiness with each other, not seperately.
Maybe I am a dreamer, or too much of a die hard, but I believe that sometimes you have to hit Rock Bottom before you can find your way up again. If this is our Rock Bottom, let us hit it and find a way to arrive at the surface together.
I really am going down with this ship.
"White Flag"
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Sunday, March 11, 2012
someone always has it worse
Last week I was working at the store. One of my favorite associate's, let's call her Ea was discussing some issues she was having with her Air Force hubby. He's away for the month and doing a very common mistake, over spending the money. She was going to be visiting him over the weekend and she was trying to figure out the best way to approach him on this subject without losing her temper. While we were talking...
A group of women came in, a mother, her daughter, her sister, her niece, and her grandson. These women were a tight little unit. They came through the store moving as one. The niece came up and said she had called ahead for some special help from the store manager.
When I approached my store manager she flew out of the back room and rushed around helping this pack. Suits, dresses, pants, and dress shirts were gathered and arranged in the fitting rooms.
After 20 minutes of futile efforts by my co-managers... they backed off the band of women, and left them be. They came to the front of the store and finally told my associate and I what was happening.
The daughter was young, in her early 20s. She had her son with her less than a year old and she had her mother and her cousin with her to help her shop for funeral clothing. She was picking up her husband's body from the airport the next day. He was being flown home from Afghanistan. He was young, 21 or 22. He and one of his fellow soldiers were killed a few days before. He was shot in the leg, and the bullet hit a major artery. He left behind a beautiful wife, and an incredibly young son, whom will remember his father by the pictures and stories his family will tell him.
After the women left, Ea looked at me and said, "my situation is so small in comparison to hers and yours. My husband, may be gone, but he is safe, and he will come home to me."
...Someone always has it worse. My situation may be painful and the end of my world right now, but it is nothing in comparison to the way this family feels and the hurt and pain of knowing your husband who loved you and his country will never see you again, never hold you again, and never see his son grow up.
A group of women came in, a mother, her daughter, her sister, her niece, and her grandson. These women were a tight little unit. They came through the store moving as one. The niece came up and said she had called ahead for some special help from the store manager.
When I approached my store manager she flew out of the back room and rushed around helping this pack. Suits, dresses, pants, and dress shirts were gathered and arranged in the fitting rooms.
After 20 minutes of futile efforts by my co-managers... they backed off the band of women, and left them be. They came to the front of the store and finally told my associate and I what was happening.
The daughter was young, in her early 20s. She had her son with her less than a year old and she had her mother and her cousin with her to help her shop for funeral clothing. She was picking up her husband's body from the airport the next day. He was being flown home from Afghanistan. He was young, 21 or 22. He and one of his fellow soldiers were killed a few days before. He was shot in the leg, and the bullet hit a major artery. He left behind a beautiful wife, and an incredibly young son, whom will remember his father by the pictures and stories his family will tell him.
After the women left, Ea looked at me and said, "my situation is so small in comparison to hers and yours. My husband, may be gone, but he is safe, and he will come home to me."
...Someone always has it worse. My situation may be painful and the end of my world right now, but it is nothing in comparison to the way this family feels and the hurt and pain of knowing your husband who loved you and his country will never see you again, never hold you again, and never see his son grow up.
Perspective.
Someone Always has it worse than you.
Monday, March 5, 2012
But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't you...
In the Dear John letter Mister sent me just a few weeks ago he wrote:
"I know I have myself to blame for this, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't your fault."
I already have admitted that I had a story book romance. Everything has been wonderful. My husband and I have had a great life. We went on the most wonderous honeymoon, we had a beautiful anniversary trip into the mountains, and when he came back from his deployment we had a romantic weekend at a B&B where we toured winery after winery, sipping away and enjoying.
I know what you are thinking... every marriage has good moments, high-lights. But no, we have had 1000s of great times in the past few years. We have been known on more than one occassion to hold hands and skip when we walk, we will turn on Singstar on the Xbox and karaoke late into the night with just each other, we will walk aimlessly through the mall together holding hands and shopping, we truly have enjoyed being with each other.
He took the blame for wanting to leave me, but made sure to let me know that it's my fault.
I have loved my husband to the utmost, I still love him, even though he says he doesn't love me, I would do anything for him... I wish he would see that, I wish he would remember all the good memories that come so easily to my mind, but not to his right now.
I am praying for him to remember these wonderful memories that I cherish so much.
So if you are reading this, please send up a prayer for me and Mister tonight.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I'm Gonna Marry that Girl!
Three years ago I travelled to the East Coast under the guise of a business conference. The conference was just a few hours from where my BFF was staying while she was living with her Navy boyfriend. The conference was on a Saturday, so I arrived the Thursday before.
She was living in a tiny house in Portsmouth, Virginia. A 3 bedroom (if you counted the converted laundry room), 2 bathroom (if you counted the bathroom missing a toilet, and semi-installed shower).
That place was the epitomy of what a nerdy college frat house would look like, but my BFF, she tried to make it look presentable. Her boyfriend was on a six month deployment, she was taking care of his tbree year old son, and living with two girls, one in the Navy, the other a friend from home.
My BFF had told me how anxious she was to introduce me to her new friends. The 2 roommates, and these 3 Navy guys. When we arrived at the house I met the female Navy roommate for all of 5 minutes as she dashed out the door to fly home for the weekend to Florida. Thirty minutes later the cars arrived and the guys walked up. One was the tallest person I'd seen in awhile,I actually had to tilt my head up to look at him. He was 6 ft 5 with a 1 and half inch cut widow's peak for hair, bright blue eyes that looked like they were always smiling, a grey Quicksilver hoodie, jeans, and classic black Van's.
That night, we ate some sandwichs, watched a few movies, drank a little and played some cards... within an hour I felt like I was a part of this group. The ease amongst them was so welcoming and refreshing. They were so relaxed, nothing mattered to them, they had their own little safe haven in this house. The tall one, fell asleep in a chair before 10:30 and noone even found it awkward. I was a part of this group of little vagabonds. I don't remember feeling this comfortable with a group of people since my high school days.
What I didn't know then, was that in the abundance of smoke breaks that were happening (which not being a smoker I wasn't really taking part in) the Tall One told his buddy: "I'm gonna marry that girl"
It took me more than a year before I learned that. That night I barely even knew I had made an impression, and at the time I wasn't even looking to make one. I was in a good place in my life, and was completely okay with being single, I wasn't looking for love, but that's exactly what happened. Love smacked me upside the face and apparently, him too.
She was living in a tiny house in Portsmouth, Virginia. A 3 bedroom (if you counted the converted laundry room), 2 bathroom (if you counted the bathroom missing a toilet, and semi-installed shower).
That place was the epitomy of what a nerdy college frat house would look like, but my BFF, she tried to make it look presentable. Her boyfriend was on a six month deployment, she was taking care of his tbree year old son, and living with two girls, one in the Navy, the other a friend from home.
My BFF had told me how anxious she was to introduce me to her new friends. The 2 roommates, and these 3 Navy guys. When we arrived at the house I met the female Navy roommate for all of 5 minutes as she dashed out the door to fly home for the weekend to Florida. Thirty minutes later the cars arrived and the guys walked up. One was the tallest person I'd seen in awhile,I actually had to tilt my head up to look at him. He was 6 ft 5 with a 1 and half inch cut widow's peak for hair, bright blue eyes that looked like they were always smiling, a grey Quicksilver hoodie, jeans, and classic black Van's.
That night, we ate some sandwichs, watched a few movies, drank a little and played some cards... within an hour I felt like I was a part of this group. The ease amongst them was so welcoming and refreshing. They were so relaxed, nothing mattered to them, they had their own little safe haven in this house. The tall one, fell asleep in a chair before 10:30 and noone even found it awkward. I was a part of this group of little vagabonds. I don't remember feeling this comfortable with a group of people since my high school days.
What I didn't know then, was that in the abundance of smoke breaks that were happening (which not being a smoker I wasn't really taking part in) the Tall One told his buddy: "I'm gonna marry that girl"
It took me more than a year before I learned that. That night I barely even knew I had made an impression, and at the time I wasn't even looking to make one. I was in a good place in my life, and was completely okay with being single, I wasn't looking for love, but that's exactly what happened. Love smacked me upside the face and apparently, him too.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
My Life in a Nutshell
My first post already explained why I'm here, but didn't tell you much about me, and even though this is an anonymous blog, I want to tell you all about me.
When I reference myself I will happily stay with A Sailor's Anchor. This name is a definite play on the old "ball and chain" concept. Originally I meant this as a very loving term (I'm not being sarcastic) but as each passing day goes, I realize there is probably a lot of truth in this thought. I think to my husband I have been an anchor weighing him down for sometime, and I never realized how hard it was for him to drag me around.... this idea upon full formation could very well be an entire post in itself, but I will save this for a later date.
My other half will affectionately be called Mister, for this seems the most appropriate seeeing as how any other "pet" names really don't fit the bill right now.
We have 2 furbabies, although, Mister always denies that they are in any way his, therefore I have 1 grumpy but loving old man dog, whom I shall call Face from now on, and 1 kitten whom I shall call Kitty Boo. Face is a yellow terrier with a personality the size of a person, and Kitty Boo is all white except for a grey/black mohawk, she is not even a year old but is rather fat thanks to eating all of Face's dog food.
If you couldn't tell since I already mentioned that I have furbabies, there are no children.
I have a job, working retail. When it comes to hobbies.... I have to stop and think. I used to do all sorts of fun things like take dance classes, and in high school I played sports like volleyball and track. I used to read all the time, any book I could get my hands on. Now, I read occasionally, but not often, and when I come home from work I usually just curl up on the couch and turn on Nick at Nite or ABC Family.... I actually didn't realize that I don't have that many hobbies any more...
I have some amazing friends that increasingly become more important to me by the day and a great family. The friends I've made since becoming a Navy wife are indispensable to me and I don't know where I would be right now without them.
I guess that's it... my life in a nutshell.
When I reference myself I will happily stay with A Sailor's Anchor. This name is a definite play on the old "ball and chain" concept. Originally I meant this as a very loving term (I'm not being sarcastic) but as each passing day goes, I realize there is probably a lot of truth in this thought. I think to my husband I have been an anchor weighing him down for sometime, and I never realized how hard it was for him to drag me around.... this idea upon full formation could very well be an entire post in itself, but I will save this for a later date.
My other half will affectionately be called Mister, for this seems the most appropriate seeeing as how any other "pet" names really don't fit the bill right now.
We have 2 furbabies, although, Mister always denies that they are in any way his, therefore I have 1 grumpy but loving old man dog, whom I shall call Face from now on, and 1 kitten whom I shall call Kitty Boo. Face is a yellow terrier with a personality the size of a person, and Kitty Boo is all white except for a grey/black mohawk, she is not even a year old but is rather fat thanks to eating all of Face's dog food.
If you couldn't tell since I already mentioned that I have furbabies, there are no children.
I have a job, working retail. When it comes to hobbies.... I have to stop and think. I used to do all sorts of fun things like take dance classes, and in high school I played sports like volleyball and track. I used to read all the time, any book I could get my hands on. Now, I read occasionally, but not often, and when I come home from work I usually just curl up on the couch and turn on Nick at Nite or ABC Family.... I actually didn't realize that I don't have that many hobbies any more...
I have some amazing friends that increasingly become more important to me by the day and a great family. The friends I've made since becoming a Navy wife are indispensable to me and I don't know where I would be right now without them.
I guess that's it... my life in a nutshell.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Rock Bottom
Three years ago I met my husband, the man of my dreams. We met, fell in love, had an amazing romantic story book courtship, and in less than a year we were married.
I moved halfway across the country to be with him on the East Coast, where we have lived ever since.
We have had our trials and tribulations like every other couple, but we are facing our biggest one right now.
Less than a month ago, he received new orders during an Underway, and within a week he sent me a "Dear John" email. I am really not sure what brought this letter on. My husband and I have had a good marriage. We are the couple everyone always says that they strive to be. I am searching for answers, I am trying to save my marriage, I am turning to God, I am coming here to try to keep all of my thoughts straight, and I am here to find myself at the bottom of the ocean.
This is not going to be an easy blog to write, but I want to try and share my story, no matter how hard it is for me. In the last few weeks I have heard every type of military wife story, women who have gone through the same things that I am experiencing now. Some of them have found ways to persevere and keep their marriages in tact, some were not so fortunate, others have remarried and moved on... several to another military man... but we are all here: military wives together, no matter what branch our husbands serve, no matter what background we come from, we are united by the unique family that makes us military wives, and we have to stick together. We have to talk about not only the happiness, but the unpleasantness. Until very recently, I believed in ignoring the messiness, the negative, trying to hide it, and stay strong. I heard some of the horror stories we all hear, cheating wives, cheating men, messy divorces, but I never thought it could happen to me, that was for over-dramatic people not for normal happy wives like me. Now that all this is happening I realize, almost every wife has a story to tell, one very similar to mine, and maybe if we talk about we won't feel so alone, so broken, so useless, and like we failed.
I feel all of those things right now. I am at rock bottom of the ocean, and I have to find a way to the surface.
I moved halfway across the country to be with him on the East Coast, where we have lived ever since.
We have had our trials and tribulations like every other couple, but we are facing our biggest one right now.
Less than a month ago, he received new orders during an Underway, and within a week he sent me a "Dear John" email. I am really not sure what brought this letter on. My husband and I have had a good marriage. We are the couple everyone always says that they strive to be. I am searching for answers, I am trying to save my marriage, I am turning to God, I am coming here to try to keep all of my thoughts straight, and I am here to find myself at the bottom of the ocean.
I feel all of those things right now. I am at rock bottom of the ocean, and I have to find a way to the surface.
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